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Why Can’t I Relax?
Posted by Jeff on July 14, 2008 1,190 views Comments (View Comments)
Guess it’s about time I faced up to the fact that I’m a HIGH STRESS DAD and need an avenue to deal with the tension, stress, exhaustion and other things going on right now. That is why I started this blog, to write away any stresses I may have. When I started out that was my sole intension, then I quickly wanted to write about fun events and other things, probably to avoid my real posts of releasing tension and stress. Well I’m going to have to start being more open on my blog and writing about the events in my life — the way I intended this blog to be in the first place. I’m not going to always write to release stress, but there will be times where I just need to type to calm down.
A Weekend Party (of stress)
Over the weekend my wife, kids and I were all at a party and I couldn’t fully relax and enjoy the day because I was worried that one of my kids were going to fall off the slide; get trampled on while on the moonbounce; or something – anything! I’m always looking for WHAT can happen to my kids and HOW they might hurt themselves rather than just taking a deep breath and heaving a huge sigh and just tell myself, “Jeff, everything will be all right. Kids are very durable, resilient and can take bumps and bruises much better then an adult!”
Let’s take this for example, my soon-to-be two year old daughter was sliding down a curvy slide and as soon as she started down the slide she would run into the edge of the slide on the first curve with her Crocs and just about launch off the slide. If that didn’t happen she would get all out of control and end up tumbling down the slide. Of course she would laugh and giggle so much as she thought it was a blast — me??? My heart stopped with every little thing she did! (That makes the beer drinking at the party not as much fun!) So why couldn’t I just let her enjoy the slide?
Climbing Up Slides
And then I was being the strict Dad and telling my kids not to climb up the moonbounce slide. That is a major pet peeve with me, “CLIMBING UP SLIDES”, but I know ALL kids do it, or eventually do it. I’m sure I climbed up slides when I was little. I also wore plaid pants and striped shirts AT THE SAME TIME but that doesn’t mean my kids should climb up the slide! (I was a child of the 70s and 80s.) However I do have a “fun” side and can see how if it’s not going to hurt someone else’s child or cause no harm to my kids that climbing the slide could be fun. Also, I do realize that this climbing is a way for them to not listen disobey release structure and be adventuresome! Everyone needs to do things that are not every day things. For my son who attends a great daycare, he follows the rules and is such a great helper at school. We get good reports almost daily from his teachers on how he held the door open or how he helped to get all the lunches together. That is great but when he gets home all of that stops. Home is his time to let go and release the structured life he leads at school. I guess I also get stressed because I’m just getting done with MY structured day at the office and come home and have to transition from office worker to home worker/daddy. It’s a tough job but I wouldn’t give it up at all!
Why Am I Stressed?
Well my theory, which is probably right on the money, is the fact that I lost my younger sister to cancer in 1986 when I was thirteen years old, she was ten, and I’m afraid of losing my kids to anything, falling down, getting a bump/bruise, etc! I guess it’s kind of natural to think that with all of things things that happened when I was 10-13 years old.
My sister, Jennifer, had battled cancer for 3 years beginning with a malignant brain tumor that was successfully operated on, almost fully removed, radiated, chemo’d and then she was recovering. Her hair had started to grow back and she started being able to do things with her friends more often. Our family lives were just getting back to normal when it was found that the cancer had spread to her bone tissue in her hip. I can’t really remember when the bone cancer was found but I do remember that is was very fast to debilitate her and eventually led to her passing away.
I am lucky though that she had enough strength in her final hours to mumble to my parents to wake me up shortly after midnight on January 26th, 1986 to have me come downstairs and hold her hand and give her a kiss and a hug. As I’m writing this I keep remembering things about that night, our last night together, and I recall that I said something like this to her, “Jen, things will be OK. You just continue being strong. I love you!” I of course knew then that she was not going to be healthy enough to live and that the cancer had gotten so bad. I think my Dad woke me up early that morning, Jennifer had passed away just a few minutes before. I was thirteen and remember that I wasn’t sure how to be sad and cry, I don’t even remember if I cried at all. But now, I am grateful that I was able to hold her hand and comfort her and let her know we would all be OK, and I still think back to that time and see how lucky I was to have the chance to say my goodbyes!
I love you Jennifer.
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