Daddy`s Toolbox

One Daddy Helping Another and Sharing His Stories

Apr
18

My Son Picked Up Inappropriate Words From Daycare

Posted by Toolbox Dad on April 18, 2009

Tonight I am totally shocked and scared.

My son has said a few words that just freaked me out.

And these words were not “shit” and “fuck” — those would have been nice!!!

What he said was “I’ll cut you in half” and “I’ll kill you” during his “no-nap, long-day-running-around meltdown” from 7:30-8pm tonight. And he was saying that directly at his sister since he wanted Mommy to put him to bed. My wife heard him say that an immediately asked him where he heard such words. His response, “[name removed] from Pre-K2 at school.”

Great!!!

Well the unnamed child is the same one that less than a year ago was talking about guns and stuff — and he was only 3 years old then!  This is going to be A PROBLEM! And one that I am addressing with my child’s daycare immediately via email to the Director as well as on Monday morning with a phone call or face to face. Something like this needs to be addressed immediately by the school and a resolution to the issue by removal of the problem student and any siblings.  Harsh? No, not at all…it’s a private daycare, one where I’m paying $1200 for both kids to attend. This situation calls for an immediate and appropriate response from the school’s director. If not, then I’ll have to go to the corporate office for satisfactory resolution….which in my mind is the immediate removal of the problem child.

Not only were these words just awful to hear…I also find out that the same child is making all of the boys in the pre-K room speak like robots or people with traceotomy tubes. Ok that isn’t anywhere near as bad as cutting someone in half, but still it’s an annoyance I, and my son, don’t need. My wife learned about the annoying voices while at soccer practice today. There is a child in the earlier soccer class, and that goes to my son’s same daycare,  that came up and said hi to my son in that weird voice. My wife looked and said to the other child’s mom, “Your son does that too!??” And the mom said, “YES! It’s annoying and he’s learned it from another boy in his daycare class”…ends up being the same child that is alleged to have said the bad words and phrases.

Anyway…Over the past two weeks my wife and I noticed that our son just didn’t seem himself at daycare/school. I even emailed his teacher directly to ask her if everything was ok. She replied and said everything seemed to be ok and that my son was playing with all of his friends like normal.  For all of you…my son is very affectionate, caring and considerate and while talking with my wife before writing this post we think our son was acting the way he was because of things going on at school. He knows not to say bad words and stuff and if he was hearing those things he might have felt out of place and unsure of what to do.

My wife finally got my son to calm down and like I said, he told us where and from whom he heard “cut you in half” (just say that like 3x to yourself and think about those words coming from your child’s mouth) it’s sickening. He’s never said anything bad like that.

Do any of you [other parents] reading this have any advice for me? Do you have children in daycare and pre-k that are learning inappropriate phrases or behaviors? I’m not sure what to do?!?  Any thoughts?

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Posted under General
Comments (Comments)

Comments from Other Parents...

  • Tom
    I wouldn't worry about it. He's going to pick up lots of phrases and try them out to see what kind of reaction he'll get. It's important to meet each one of his applications of these phrases with a consistent, firm response: "<name>, that is not appropriate. It is not okay to tell someone you're going to kill them or cut them in half. You need to tell <victim> that you're sorry for what you said."

    He's at the age where he's going to do a lot of experimenting, picking up what he hears and using it. This is a good time to nip it in the bud, and to remain calm. The more you freak out about stuff, the more he's going to realize the kind of power those words and phrases have. At this age, he doesn't truly have the power to kill anyone or cut them in half, nor understand the consequences of actually doing so.

    When my son has brought this up or said something as damaging and hurtful, I've told him "Do you really want <name> to be hurt so badly? You want <name> to not be around anymore at all? That is very mean, and would hurt <name> very much.

    Just keep your cool and meet his outbursts with calm consistency.
  • thank you for the great response!! I'm going to share with my wife. I think what you are saying is true and I hope it works in my situation.

    But I cannot let this go. I do have to inform the school of this issue. That part cannot be left undone. They've disciplined, or removed, children for excessive biting...which just seems weird to me. Especially a two year old. Is biting normal at that age.

    Ok, maybe not remove the child...but, definitely watch for inappropriate behavior and I'll be sure to keep an ear listening to things my son is saying and act quickly to nip it.

    thanks again!
  • I actually appreciate your reaction. Frankly I don't think my husband always has a strong enough reaction to things like this and I worry we'll be missing something. (because he's been bullied by a kid at daycare which caused us all kinds of headaches). The daycare teachers reaction is disappointing. I don't think they worry enough about this stuff- I guess it's not their job to make sure our kids feelings aren't getting hurt or that our kids are picking up bad habits, but I really wish they would. They always seem to say "Everything's great!" I'm not sure getting the child kicked out is necessary but there certainly needs to be an "intervention" with the child and his family for sure.

    This whole situation really scares me honestly because this is just the beginning- they are so young still! This is something we will have to deal with for the next 15 years!

    Let us know how it turns out. And good luck.
  • thank you Lindsay! I'll make sure to let you know how things go. Also, not
    good about your daycare teachers not doing a whole lot about the bullying.
    I'll hit you up on twitter to let you know more about our daycare. We've
    had the talks of guns at school and another parent (a friend of ours) told
    the school and they knew it was an issue and had been confronting the family
    of the child to make them work on the "gun talk". This was when he was
    three years old. Like a year ago! Things got better and now he's back to
    the inappropriate behavior. I know it's "kids growing up" but guns and
    violence just seem wrong at 4 years old!
  • I hope you tell your son in no uncertain terms that he should not be playing with that boy. There's a girl in our neighborhood who says some really strange and hurtful things, and I only had to hear about it once before deciding to tell my kids to stay clear of her in the park. Life's too short, and there are too many other good kids to be friends with, to waste time on troublemakers.
  • Idaho Dad, yes, my son never liked playing with the other boy. My son used
    to not want to go into the room if the other boy was there. THis was a year
    ago. He got over it and all was good. But now again my son is somewhat
    reluctant to 'want to go to school' and maybe this issue of innappropriate
    behavior from the other boy is a cause.

    After writing this post one of my friends read it, her son also attends the
    same daycare, and she was thankful for the post. She also has heard her son
    saying the same thing about another boy talking about 'slicing' and
    killing.
  • I have to say, you have my support 100%! Only 3? Well, my daughter is 3, and I would be horrified if she picked up such language from another child. Even if she DIDN'T realize what she was saying. The time to step in and take action on such things is when you HOPE they don't know what they're saying, rather waiting a few years when the kids actually comes into school with a gun and we have Columbine #2.

    Email, call, go into the school, and if you don't get the response you desire, publicize the lack of response as widely as you can.
  • Average Joe...thanks man! I know what you mean about Columbine...and being
    this week is the 10th anniversary and all. If I don't get the response I'm
    looking for I will be writing another blog post!
  • If only more parents took this type of thing as seriously there would be a lot fewer prisons in the world.
  • Magali, thanks. I'm glad I acted on this. We emailed the daycare and
    followed up with a call. The school director was alarmed, and is going to
    sit during circle time with the kids to review good words and those words
    which are never appropriate. I like that approach as my kids definitely
    LISTEN better to the teachers than Mommy and me.

    so we're making progress
  • daddybrain
    It's unfortunate that the teachers were not on top of this. Isn't that their job?
  • Our son's school has a very strict "no-violence" rule. Guns (pretend) are not allowed and neither is this kind of language. In fact, one of his classmates was SENT HOME when he told another student that he was "going to kill him."

    I definitely want to know what happened when you contacted the administration. If that same child were ten years older, this kind of language would be viewed as a threat. Children need to learn now, at an early age, that it's not OK to say these types of things.

    Does your school have a parent education program?
  • Homeschool. That's my advice.

    We've given up a decent income for the ability to interpret to our children the "negative" messages the world provides them. They won't go a day, a week, or a month walking around with ill-perceived notions of something as dark as death or as risque as sex.. I'm not so ignorant as to believe that I can always be right there by their side, but I want their early years defined. I want certain lines drawn and certain ways of thinking incorporated.

    My six year old and I can play quite violent sometimes, but I am there to provide that buffer between dream world and reality. I have regular talks with him about what he's seeing in the world and I'm able to communicate with him so effectively because I witness everything he witnesses. To me, it's all about building a strong foundation and I would find that hard to accomplish with the rest of the world having an upper hand on my efforts.

    Good luck.
  • This is really weird, I would immediately report that, I can't take it any more for my kids!

    Rina
  • daddybrain
    I can se why you're upset. But I think this is an excellent opportunity to open a dialog with your son. The problem lies with the other kid's parents who have taught him (or allowed him) to behave in a very poor way.

    I have a similar issue with a couple of kids from my son's Pre-K class. I take whatever opportunity I can to teach him about integrity, virtue, and being true to who he is. Don't let your desire to protect your son stop you from empowering him to protect himself from these types of people.

    Good luck!

    babbo
    www.daddybrain.wordpress.com
  • babbo - thanks for the comment! great thought. yes, I agree, i shouldn't
    shelter my son from these words or actions. but like you suggest, teach
    *him* how to deal with it and if things bother him he should learn how to
    react, ignore or if things get too 'scary' or 'over the top' then bring
    those incidents to me, a teacher or someone.

    appreciate the read and the comment! now I need to find that extra time to
    keep on blogging! someday I'll be back.
  • OMG! I would have been in shock! My daughter, who is 3, plays a lot with her babysitter's older boys. Imagine my surprise when she engineered her Leggos into a gun and shot her cousin (who is a year old). I had a talk with my babysitter and asked her to tell her boys not to play these kinds of games with her because she it too young to understand how dangerous guns are. But that is one of the things that irks me to core about traditional schools. I visited a local day care in my are and heard the language used by some of the kids, that I rushed home and realized that my daughter needed so much more than these places had to offer. I personally would rip my child out of the school because it seems that the teachers are not paying attention to what is going on. First language that physical behavior- it's only a matter of time.
  • Kristina, thanks for the comment and reading the post. When we brought this
    to the attention of the school director she handled it very well and
    contacted the other parent and worked on a plan. She also monitored the room
    for a few days during activity and play time and sat with all of the
    children and explained appropriate language. I know my son took it to heart
    as he now says, "We can't watch Sponge Bob because he says bad words". At
    least we don't have to deal with Sponge Bob!
  • We had the same thing right at about 3 yrs old. Lil Boo was coming home, saying I am going to shoot you, I'm going to cut you - pointing his fingers at us with a bit of toddler rage. All derived from school. We quickly nipped that in the butt so it doesn't happen anymore. The fubar for me was during the past 3 mos doing night shift in addition to days the last month of a project I was running....I dropped a few g-dams - whooooops! Again...that has subsided....I've heard of many having the f-u and others in their house....yikes! btw like your blog!

    Peas Out!
    ~daddy b.
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